I love to do research. I like taking notes, chasing a down a word or idea to find out what the author means, how the word interacts with the text, how it affects my life. Often, when I am done with my research I like to move on to the next project. It takes a lot of discipline for me to write a report or essay when I am done with the study part. It takes even more discipline for me to edit that first writing, type it up and post it. Then there are always the embarrassing bloopers I find when I read the essay on line. More editing. Sometimes life is like that.
Yesterday, after doing all my research on the section of Ephesians I was working on, I needed to sit down and write it out. When I was still a teacher I gave myself permission to skip this step because of limited time. I’m not a teacher any more. So there I was, in my fresh clean office, staring at a blank page. Now what? Sometimes life is like that.
There was prayer. There was coffee and a favorite pen (favorite today anyway, a girl needs variety), and that clean, blank page. It reflected nothing back at me, it gave no inspiration, it just waited for me. Sometimes life is like that.
I am surrounded by books in my office, books that were once blank pages. Part of the space is pantry space where most of the food is simple, waiting for my decision to make something wonderful from dry beans, simple tomato sauce or barley. It isn’t enough to find a recipe or to soak the beans (I do love my Instant Pot), I have to heat up the stove, rub herbs in my palms to release their essence and decide if that scent goes with this scent to effect the outcome. My space is full of color, bits of paper, stuffed animals, drawings and pictures, multi colored files, gel pens, ink pens, pencils. They are nothing until they decorate and highlight an idea. Everything has potential but it is only potential until something is created. Even the gray of pencil lead or the dull yellow of pasta has potential, but first it has to be sharpened and scraped on paper… or dropped in to a boiling pot of water to soften. Sometimes life is like that.
It is true, I’ve been fired from a job that I loved. The person who fired me is someone my husband and I love. It was horrible, I felt shame. There were those moments when I wondered if I had been better at my job if I could have kept it. There were moments of thinking, I never want to see those people again! Then a moment later I would be praying for them with grace that only the Almighty could fill me with, I want the school to thrive! I want the staff to minister. I want a ministry! My life has become like a blank page.
Thank you to all of you who have sent me messages, asking if I’m ok. Some of you expressed your rage at the school and Christian people in general (I am one). You helped me work through what I was feeling and let it go. Some of you told me that you have gone through these things and assured me that it gets better. The ice cream was wonderful Ray! I am especially thankful for the prayers. That was HUGE!
Once I decided on a verb and a noun my page quickly filled up with an essay that almost wrote itself. I say almost because I was prepared for this. It was satisfying. Now I just need to type it up and post it. I’m ready for the next idea to chase, a new adventure. Sometimes life is like that.
Debs …just breathing, waiting on the Almighty, thinking of a noun and a verb. August 23, 2017